I Wish I Could Hate You
by magicaltears
Summary: It is basically Sirius’ thoughts on James. From the time that James told him he was marrying Lily, to right before OoTP started. So spoilers. SLASH JamesSirius, Also JamesLily. Rating for a couple of words.


-1Title- I wish I could hate you

Author- Britt

Disclaimer- I own the plot…sort of…I know there are about a hundred of these out here so I guess I don't even own that. Lol. But I definitely do not own the characters. They belong to JK Rowling, so please do not sue me. You'd get a Nintendo DS and a car that I owe more money on than it's worth. Lol.

Summary- I had this idea suddenly and before I could forget it, I decided to write it down. It is basically Sirius' thoughts on James. THIS IS SLASH PEOPLE! James/Sirius. This is written in Sirius' POV.

I stare at the black and white memory that is forever immortalized on film. I stare right at you. Your picture self stares back at me.

_I wish I could hate you._

I remember the time that you told me that you were going to marry Lily, I thought I was dying then. You smiled at me and asked me if I'd be your best man, I wanted to hit you. Then after Lily and Remus left, your face crumbled. I wanted so badly to take you into my arms, but I couldn't move. You had finally chosen between her and I. She won.

_I wish I could hate you_

You told me that you still loved me, and that would never change. But that she was pregnant and you knew what you had to do. I understood, I honestly did. I still do, but that doesn't mean I was happy about it.

_I wish I could hate you._

Your wedding day was amazing. Lily looked beautiful and you looked extravagant. Your hair for once wasn't messy and your smile was so bright that even your eyes lit up. You had finally achieved the dream. You had the woman that you had chased all those years, and she was finally yours. You had what other people sat up and dreamt about.

_I wish I could hate you._

When I got up to give my toast, I saw your eyes, they begged me not to say anything about our relationship. I gave you a look right back that said I wasn't that stupid, and that I would never wreck your happiness, even though you shattered mine.

_I wish I could hate you._

I gave my toast like a good man. Gave a few amusing anecdotes about when we were in school and you would chase Lily around all the time, and she would constantly turn you down. Then I smiled a huge smile, it was fake, but only you and Remus could see that. Then I toasted you.

"_To the Happy couple" _I said _"May they live together forever in love."_

Everyone congratulated me on my speech, telling me that I was the right person to make it as you and I were as close as brothers. That comment made me sick. We were more than brothers, we were partners. I think at that moment, I finally did hate you. However, it didn't last long. You and Lily pulled me aside, and I had to stop myself from glaring at her. I kept a smile on my face even though I wanted to either cry out or scream at you until I could no longer talk for my voice would be gone. But alas, I did neither. I just smiled and asked you what was on your minds. Lily smiled at me, a genuine smile. I think I hated her even more at that time. If she would have been fake, I think I could have dealt with that. But she was sincerely a very nice woman, and I hated her for it. I smiled back at her, I hoped that it was as sincere as hers, even though I knew it wasn't. She took my hand and smiled again.

"_James and I want you to be our child's godfather."_

I look from Lily to you, back to Lily again. Lily nods at me slightly. You finally decide to speak.

"_We cant think of anyone better Sirius."_

I know from what little words you just said that you were sincere. You never call me Sirius unless there is something wrong, it's a serious conversation, or your being completely truthful. You always call me either Padfoot, Siri, or some other nickname that you have came up with through the ten years that we've known each other.

"_Will you be our child's godfather?"_

I nod slightly, smiling a true smile for the first time that day.

"_I'd be delighted too."_

My Smile ended however when I saw you place a kiss on Lily's forehead and your hand on her stomach, caressing her gently.

_I wish I could hate you._

The day that Lily had Harry, was probably the happiest and the second saddest day of my life. I remember the love in your eyes when you held him for the first time. I think at that moment, my heart really did break. I knew from the look in your eyes, that you wouldn't trade him for anything in the world, which means you wouldn't give Lily up for anything in the world either. I knew right then and there that there was never a chance for us again. Remus and I were just there to give our congratulations and when we turned to leave, I left a light tap on my shoulder. I turned around and you offered your little bundle to me. I took his carefully and when I looked at him, I fell in love. I was truly a changed man. I held him for as long as I was allowed too, just staring at him. However, when you took him away from me, I wished I could curse you right then and there.

_I wish I could hate you._

When you found out about the prophecy that had been made, I still remember seeing the anger and the fear in your eyes. It was another time in which I wish I could have held you in my arms and told you it would have been okay. However, I couldn't. I just talked you through a plan to make sure everyone was safe. We decided to use me as a decoy, telling everyone I was your secret keeper. In reality, you would use Peter. When we figured out the plan you told Lily. She nodded and kept a determined look on her face, but her eyes told how scared she was. You took her into your arms lovingly and ran your hands through her hair, silently telling her it would be okay.

_I wish I could hate you._

Halloween, a few short months after Harry's first birthday was the worst day of my life. I arranged to check on Peter to make sure he was okay. The minute I arrived I knew something wasn't right. There was no one there, yet no sign of struggle. My heart dropped. I raced as fast as I could to my motor bike, and took it as quickly as possible to Godrics Hollow. When I saw the green mark in the sky, I felt like I was going to be sick. Then when I came closer and saw the once beautiful home in shambles, I did get sick. I ran inside and the first thing I saw was your glasses on the floor, they were still in perfect condition. Didn't surprise me as how many unbreakable charms we had put on them so they wouldn't break during Quidditch matches. I picked them up and walked towards the living room, that's where I nearly died. I saw you, lying on the floor, your eyes were open, and they had a surprised expression within them. I wanted to laugh. You bastard, you actually had the nerve to be surprised! What did you think, that you could have taken him on by yourself? Of course you did, just as I did. We thought when we were younger that we were invincible. But you proved that day just how very wrong we were.

_I wish I could hate you._

I pulled myself together and went upstairs, I stepped into the nursery and saw Lily in the same state. The only difference was that she didn't have a surprised look, she had one of love and determination. I looked across the room and saw Voldemort's robe and wand, but I didn't care. I looked all around for Harry, and that's when I heard a quiet sniffle from under his crib. I peaked over and saw the shining green eyes of my godson.

"_PADFOOT!"_

I heard him scream and I rushed over to him, throwing the crib off of him carefully and picking him up. He clung to me James, and cried, asking me where his mummy and daddy were.

I wish I could hate you.

I just told him that everything was okay and I held him closely so he couldn't see Lily or you. We quickly made it outside. I saw Hagrid and I fought with him. I swear I begged him to let me keep Harry. It took all of my willpower to not scream at him that Harry was the last thing I had left. But when my brain realized that I could have revenge and then take Harry, I handed him to Hagrid. I swear before I handed him over I told him I loved him and I would be back for him. I gave Hagrid my motorbike, told him I wouldn't need it. I then went to find the rat. He actually outsmarted me Prongs, Me?! Sirius Orion Black! I was shocked, so when he actually blew up the street, killing those muggles, and transformed into a rat, I just stood there, laughing. The Auror's came and I went quietly, not really comprehending what was happening. All I knew was that I had lost the one person that I loved more than life itself.

_I wish I could hate you._

I sat in Azkaban for twelve years. My worst memories constantly being replayed over and over in my head. Thank Merlin for being an animagus, as when things got too much, I was able to transform and it wouldn't be as bad. The only thing that kept me sane was that I knew I was innocent. The day that the minister brought the paper and I saw the rat, I broke free. I ran as quickly as I could to find Harry, only wanting to protect him. When I was in Azkaban, before broke out, I never hated you. I never blamed you, I need you to know that. I knew it wasn't your fault, I knew it was mine. I never hated you. However, when I saw Harry walking out of his aunt and uncle's house, and I saw how small and depressed he was, I really did hate you. How dare you leave him? Leave me? How dare you!

_I wish I could hate you._

The first time Harry met me he tried to kill me, and less than a half an hour later, I was offering him a home. He took me up on it right away. However, it didn't work out that way. Peter escaped. So I had to run. I escaped with the help of your son and his friend Hermione on the back of a Hippogriff. It was a very proud moment in deed, let me tell you. When I arrived in a safe place, I realized that once again, I was alone.

_I wish I could hate you._

A lot of things have happened to your son in between then and now, but that is his story to tell, not mine. For now, I am sitting in the drawing room of my parent's old house staring at an old picture of you and I. I think I finally realized why I couldn't hate you, even though I've wished it for so many years. It would be so much easier.

_I wish I could hate you…But I know I cant. Because I still love you._

THE END! Okay, so what did you think? If I get enough requests, I might do a similar version of this, but instead of it being from Sirius to James, it'll be from Harry to Sirius. Or something like that. Let me know.


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